Thoughts of Obama from Bama

Week 37: “Pitchman-in-Chief”

“How many times has this happened to you? You have a bass, and you're trying to find an exciting new way to prepare it for the

dinner table. You could scale the bass, remove the bass' tail, head and bones, and serve the fish as you would any other fish dinner. But why bother, now that you can use Rovco's amazing new kitchen tool, the Super Bass-o-Matic '76. Yes, fish-eaters, the days of troublesome scaling, cutting and gutting are over, because Super Bass-o-Matic '76 is the tool that lets you use the bass with no fish waste, and without scaling, cutting or gutting.”

“Here's how it works: Catch a bass, remove the hook, and drop the bass - that's the whole bass - into the Super Bass-o-Matic '76. Now, adjust the control dial so that the bass is blended just the way you like it. Yes, it's that simple!”
“We've got fish here, fast and easy and ready to pour, mmm-mmm! Super Bass-o-Matic '76 comes with ten interchangeable rotors, a nine-month guarantee, and a booklet: 1,001 Ways to Harness Bass. Super Bass-o-Matic '76 works great on sunfish, perch, sole, and other small aquatic creatures.” “Super Bass-o-Matic '76 - it's clean, simple, and after five or ten fish, it gets to be quite a rush! Super Bass-o-Matic '76 - you'll never have to scale, cut or gut again!”

Dan Aykroyd, SNL

Barack Husain Obama and his political handlers are obviously under the illusion our 44th President is the greatest pitchman the world has ever known. The consummate marketer and salesman in the same league with Harvey Mackay, author of Swim With the Sharks Without Being Eaten Alive; Zig Ziglar, world renown salesmanship and motivational speaker; Dickey Fox, the fictitious wise old sage salesman in the movie Jerry Maguire; Recently deceased TV pitchman Billy Mays; the Sham Wow Dude; and the epitome of the modern day snake oil salesman the fictional spokesman for the Super Bass-o-Matic '76, Dan Aykroyd.

Candidate Obama certainly sold the Country down the proverbial river during the campaign claiming to be a pragmatic moderate that would govern from the middle. Turns out the person we actually elected is the most leftwing liberal to ever occupy the Oval Office who achieved Socialist status years ago and is currently teetering on the edge of full blown Communism.

During the campaign he hawked an inspirational message of hope with the catchy slogans “Change We Can Believe In” and “Yes We Can” that 54% of the voting public bought hook, line and sinker. Now a lot of those suckers are suffering from a bad case of the Buyer’s Remorse and can’t believe they got snookered by such an obvious B.S. artist.

In adherence to the old adage “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it” our new “Pitchman-in-Chief” continued to sell and promote each and every one of his redistribution of wealth, deficit busting, unconstitutional, Socialist program initiatives immediately upon taking the reins at the White House. With the same zeal and load of B.S. Aykroyd so aptly displayed when peddling the Super Bass-o-Matic '76 President Barack “Sham Wow Dude” Obama has been busier than a one legged man at an ass kicking contest hard selling the American people on his boneheaded ideas:

· The Economic Stimulus Package – In reality a Trillion Dollar payoff to Obama supporters including the Unions, big donors and his old criminal friends at ACORN
· “Mr. Good Wrench” – The most powerful man in the free world went on TV, sat right on up like he had good sense and assured us all as the new owners of the US Auto industry the Warranties and Maintenance Agreements on our GM and Chrysler cars were secure and would be honored by Uncle Sammy Motors.
· Cash for Clunkers – Barack “Shecky” Obama all decked out in a loud plaid sports coat; bright solid color polyester pants; coffee stained butt ugly tie; white shoes and belt; went into the Used Car business. The program went bust early coming up $2 Billion short. Not to fear, plenty more where that came from, the hard working US taxpayer.
· HGTV House Hunters - New HGTV Host Barack “First Time Buyers” Obama gave all those first time home purchasers a big fat tax credit. If anybody knows a sweetheart deal on a first home it’s the Obamas. Just ask their convicted felon friend Tony Resko, try visitors day at the Cook County Jail, who sold them their first home at half market value back in Chicago.
· Socialized Medicine – A tough sell so far, seems like the folks, with the glaring exemption of the rapidly growing victim class in this Country, aren’t taking too kindly to paying more for lower quality rationed healthcare. Turns out a lot of us might have been born at night, but not last night.

With total disrespect and disregard for the honor and prestige for the Office of the Presidency our Used Car Salesman-in-Chief prostituted himself out by closing the presentation to the International Olympic Committee on behalf of his hometown of Chicago in their bid to host the 2016 Summer Games. After initially stating he was too busy to make the trip having to deal with his Government takeover of Healthcare; Setting Executive salary levels with his Pay Czar; Making two to three made for TV speeches every day to maintain his status as the most over exposed President in the history of the Republic; Agreeing to concessions with Russia and Iran and apparently neglecting to achieve any reciprocal benefit for the home team; Showing weakness to our enemies with his indecisiveness over our strategy in the Overseas Contingency Operation in Afghanistan, at the last minute the White House announced a change in the President’s schedule.

Not wanting to miss this global PR opportunity they gassed up Air Force One, put a knew shine on the President’s shoes, and made the “short” flight over to Denmark to close the deal. The star studded trio of Oprah, the First Lady and our Snake Oil Salesman-in-Chief would surely win over the hearts and minds of the gullible pigeons on the Olympic Selection Committee.

Only problem, no one bothered to count votes on the Committee and Chicago, considered a front runner, was the first of four finalists to be eliminated. Ultimately, Rio de Janeiro, the murder capital of the world, beat out Chicago, Madrid and Tokyo. The Obama delegation, totally humiliated and once again having diminished the prestige of the United States on foreign soil, flew home with their tails between their legs, licking their wounds, in a state of shock our Closer-in-Chief was so thoroughly and publically rejected.

So what really happened? Thoughts of Obama from Bama has it on good authority from high placed sources on the Olympic committee the group sent our B.Ser-in-Chief and Chicago packing for the following reasons:

1. With so much to offer including world class architecture; museums; Lakeshore Drive; Rush Street; The Miracle Mile; Great food; Great sports venues; the place is crawling with Yankees.
2. Fear Reverend Wright will give the invocation at the opening ceremonies, condemn the entire free world to eternal damnation, and accuse the Olympics of unbridled racism.
3. Greater fear that the President’s domestic terrorist and political soul mate running buddy, Bill Ayers, will blow something up with his old Weatherman Underground comrades.
4. Absolutely terrified X Gov. Blago will be selected to light the Olympic torch by setting his famous hairdo on fire and diving head first into the flame holder.
5. They didn’t care at all for the President’s smartass remark back in March comparing his bowling game to the Special Olympics.
6. They thought the First Lady’s 759 word speech, which was mostly I, I, I and me, me, me, was arrogant, boring and irrelevant.
7. They thought President Obama’s 1,116 word speech was more of the same I, I, I, and me, me, me and even more arrogant, boring and irrelevant than the first lady’s remarks
8. Did we mention the city is just crawling with Yankees?

The same high placed sources also informed Thoughts of Obama from Bama the only hope Chicago had of gaining the Committee’s favor would have been Oprah performing a gymnastics floor exercise. Music, dance steps and a full routine concluding with a series of tumbles including a Round off; Straight arm back extension roll; Arabian dive roll; Flyspring; Flair with 1/1 spindle; Double half nekkid camel; and for the grand finale a double back gainer with three twist nailing the landing sending shock waves throughout the Olympic community, literally. Oprah’s failure to pull off this Mary Lou Retton caliber performance snuffed out any hopes of Olympic glory for the Windy City.

Our “Pitchman-in-Chief’s” shine has certainly been tarnished by the public spanking administered by the International Olympic Committee. A few more whoppers of this magnitude will go a long way in assuring Mr. Obama enjoys a one term Presidency. No need to worry, the man has a most promising future as the celebrity pitchman for Snuggies, Sham Wow or Rovco's amazing new kitchen tool the Super Bass o Matic 76.

I am, “American by Birth and Southern by the Grace of God”

Ron W. Garikes

Week 5 – Alabama 38, Kentucky 20

Roll Tide, Roll Tide, Roll on Mighty Tide