Thoughts of Obama From Bama

Week 126: “Obama & Boehner Light Up the Course”

Bet a five dollar nasaw
And all you got's two
Well a five foot gimme
Make a man out of you

Well I got my dreams
And they just don't stop
Well a big man, big shot
Make her on top

Well, there's a place for you if you're just like me
Armchair greens chillin' at the TV
Have another cool one
But it won't hurt
Got myself a big stick
Swingin in the dirt “Big Stick”, Bruce Hornsby

Last Saturday while most of the golfing world was glued to their flat screens watching a 22 year old youngin from Northern Ireland blow away the field at the U.S. Open at Congressional Country Club in our nation’s capital the real action was going down across town on the links at Andrews Air Force Base. Turns out the three highest ranking officials in the Federal government, the President; Vice President; and Speaker of the House along with the Republican Governor from Ohio were playing their own match for much higher stakes than the U.S. Open Championship.

In the balance the future working relationship between the President and Speaker, White House and Congress, and our Country’s financial security. Possibly of even more importance the bragging rights and ego boost afforded to the victors.

Instead of the expected Dems vs. Repub; conservative vs. liberals; capitalist vs. socialist; free enterprise vs. humongous government ; good vs. evil match up in a surprise move the President insisted he and Speaker Boehner would team up against VP “Uncle Joe“ Biden and Governor Kasich. The decisive factor having nothing at all to do with politics or even golf but solely on the basis of smokers vs. nonsmokers.

President Obama also wanted some one on one face time with Speaker Boehner. Reckon he figured some serious male bonding over smokes and a few libations just might win the Speaker’s favor that could be exploited in future political confrontations.

With everybody in agreement with the teaming arrangements the President packed up a carton of KOOL Menthols, the Speaker stacked up several packs of Camel no filters and with the leader of the free world squealing “smoke um if you got um” the two pillars of American politics were off to the first tee in a cloud of smoke and burning rubber from the golf cart tires. The VP and Governor were close behind with a cooler filled with a case of beer, wine spritzers for the “First Golfer-in-Chief” and a bottle of Irish whiskey for Uncle Joe.

For purposes of full disclosure “Thoughts of Obama From Bama” is tickled pink to inform our faithful and most sophisticated readership of our unbelievable good fortune to have obtained an audiotape recording of last weekend’s Presidential golf outing. Following are some extremely illuminating, informative and entertaining excerpts from this power foursome’s historic round of golf.

As most every golfer knows the wager is more often than not won on the first tee during preround practice swings and trash talk which is precisely where we will begin our coverage of this high level high stakes match:

• THE SPEAKER: “All right ladies, what’s the game? Skins, an automatic 2 down Nasaw with trash including greenies, birdies, sandies, and Obamies – hitting your ball OB left, Wolf or straight up Match Play?”
• UNCLE JOE: Right after his first shot of Irish whiskey of the day, “Don’t f…ing matter to me. Whatever strikes the boss’s fancy count us in.”
• HACKER-IN-CHIEF: “Match Play sounds good to me boys, as long as I get my fair share of strokes.” The anointed one replied between lighting up another KOOL
• GOVERNOR K:”With all due respect Mr. President, stroke this. With Boehner on your team y’all should be giving us a few strokes.”
• HACKER-IN-CHIEF: “No strokes, $2 dollars per hole”
• UNCLE JOE: “Sure you can afford that boss. Michelle hold back on your f…ing allowance this week?”
• THE SPEAKER: “So that settles it ladies. $2 dollar a hole match play, $2 dollar trash, two man best ball, no strokes. We’ll take the honors, let’s tee it up.””

With the game and amount agreed to the four gentlemen took full advantage of the customary first tee mulligan and then proceeded in a cloud of tobacco smoke, a pile of crushed beer cans, a fast growing collection of empty wine spritzer bottles, and a soon to be empty bottle of Irish whiskey to navigate the 18 championship holes of golf at Andrews Air Force Base. To avoid boring y’all to tears with the full transcript of their 4 hour conversation we are delighted to provide examples of some of their more colorful remarks below:

• HACKER-IN-CHIEF: After hitting another weak, short, pop up 130 yard drive in the left trees the President asked the Speaker for some help, “John, any advice how to fix that would be most appreciated”
• THE SPEAKER: “Happy to Mr. President. You might try standing farther away from the ball, especially after you hit it.
• UNCLE JOE: Merrily doing a shot per hole, “Nice f…ing shot Gov”
• GOVERNOR K: “I wouldn’t hit Nancy Pelosi that hard.” Addressing the Speaker after he hit a 300 plus yard drive on the fourth hole.
• THE SPEAKER: “I sure as hell would”
• UNCLE JOE: “Nice f…ing shot Mr. Speaker”
• THE SPEAKER: “Nice putt Alice. Did a gust of wind blow your skirt up over your eyes?” directed to the President after leaving a 10 foot put 3 feet short.
• HACKER-IN-CHIEF: “Thanks pard. Thought we were on the same team.
• UNCLE JOE: “Nice f…ing shot Mr. President”
• GOVERNOR K: “Run like a scalded dog.” Encouraging his low hooking tee shot on the 15th.
• THE SPEAKER: “Enjoyed it ladies. Always a pleasure taking your money.” Right after sinking a ten footer for par on 18 to win the hole and the match.
• UNCLE JOE: “Nice f…ing shot…” slurred the VP as he downed his last shot of whiskey and proceeded to pass out on the 18th green.

When all was said and done the President and Speaker clipped Uncle Joe and Governor Kasich for the staggering grand total of $2 dollars. Other notable accomplishments resulting from the day’s outing included 3 packs of Kools and 2 packs of Camels smoked; 24 beers consumed; 6 wine spritzers inhaled; and 1 bottle of Irish whiskey polished off by our VP flying solo.

To our knowledge the President and Speaker still don’t particularly care for each other, Governor Kasich has no idea why he was invited in the first place, and Uncle Joe has absolutely no recollection at all of the entire day. All things considered a relatively successful day for this Administration.

I am, “American by Birth and Southern by the Grace of God”

Ron W. Garikes