Thoughts of Obama from Bama

Week 59: “They Call Alabama the Crimson Tide”

“Big wheels keep on turning

Carry me home to see my kin

Singing songs about the Southland

I miss Alabama once again

And I think it’s a sin, yes

Well I heard mister Young sing about her

Well, I heard ole Neil put her down

Well, I hope Neil Young will remember

A Southern man don't need him around anyhow

Sweet home Alabama Where the skies are so blue

Sweet Home Alabama Lord, I'm coming home to you”

Lynyrd Skynyrd


A “Crimson Tide” crashed into the White House on Monday of the 59th week of the train wreck known as the Obama Administration. The White House hasn’t seen so much class in its historic halls since the departure of W. and Laura Bush 59 weeks ago.

Tradition demands that our national sports champions make an obligatory pilgrimage to DC to be recognized by the Commander-in-Chief. After winning a record thirteenth NCAA National Football Championship Coach Nick Sabin and the University of Alabama players were tickled pink to drop by 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue for some well deserved praise from our Pucker Up Buttercup-in-Chief.

For his part our Sports Fan-in-Chief said all the right things, his mastery of the teleprompter truly is a sight to behold, including his comments about the absent die hard Auburn fan, Senior White House political hack and Press Secretary, Robert Gibbs. The President hit all the right cords recognizing team leaders, the rewards of hard work and even a reference to the Bear which is always music to the ears of the Alabama faithful.

What happened next is truly remarkable. Thoughts of Obama from Bama has uncovered a behind the scenes exclusive provided by two eye witnesses that observed the carnage at the White House first hand following the formal ceremony.

Immediately following the departure of the press, dignitaries, and other guest the President returned to the podium and asked all the coaches and players to have a seat as he had an important issue he wanted to discuss. Following is a summary of his comments:

· “In parlance y’all can understand, I’m gonna tell y’all what – all you crackers from Alabama are really putting a hitch in my get along. Now listen up” Sure enough got everybody’s full and undivided attention.

· “Alabama is as red as the day is long. Y’all yahoos voted for McCain 60% - 39% in the last election and I can assure you that don’t sit well with yours truly and my political hacks back in the West Wing”. Stunned, the players and coaches sat in silence unsure if this was a joke or what.

· “Y’all’s Congressional Delegation, for the most part, ain’t nothin but a bunch of no count white trash yahoos who have opposed my visionary and enlightened agenda from the get go”. He continued “y’all are gonna learn the hard way there will be consequences for those who refuse to cooperate“. Sensing our Strong Arming Political Hack-in-Chief might be serious the crowd shuffled and murmured uncomfortably.

· “College Football is controlled by the corrupt and greedy corporate titans on Wall Street and the federal government needs to takeover, regulate, tax it and even the playing field. Redistribute the wealth boys, no more dynasties like Alabama; Florida; USC; Oklahoma; Texas; or Ohio State”. This blasphemy didn’t stand unchallenged as several “no ways, when Hell freezes over and dream on” broke out from the astonished Tide players.

· “You boys need to be my Ambassadors back in Hicksville so get back down there and promote my Marxist/Socialist agenda. Failure to do so will result in cutting off all Federal funding for the University, trashing several of you personally with false accusations of nefarious behavior, and IRS audits”. Justifiably agitated several players rose from their seats ready to charge the podium with only the stern words and looks from Coach Saban halting their advance.

· “One more thing, all that jazz I said about how great y’all are earlier, forget it man. Truth be told, you are all a bunch of yahoos from a redneck State; the SEC is the weakest Conference in the Country; Alabama was lucky to win the National Championship; Coach Saban is a poser; and the Bear was an overrated sissy”.

To say the least all hell done broke loose after this last insult. An affront on the Bear is a sin no self respecting member of the Bama family can forgive or ignore.

Before the Secret Service detail had a chance to react All American and Butkus Award winning linebacker Rolando McClain charged from the left, Javier Arenas rushed in from the left corner while Terrance “Mount” Cody rumbled up the middle of the crowd with a real bad attitude and a strong hankering for putting some serious hurt on the man at the podium.

In a flash the three players simultaneously converged on our Socialist-in-Chief. McClain hitting high, Arenas low and Cody delivering a devastating blow chest high launching the leader of the free world into an uncontrollable whirlybird rendering him temporally unconscious, sprawled out spread eagle on the floor, mumbling to himself over and over “Bear Bryant good, Bear Bryant good, …

Having sufficiently defended the University’s and Coach Bryant’s honor the team, still greatly agitated by our Abuser of Power-in-Chief’s comments, proceeded to VP Biden’s office. Finding the Veep in the deep slumber of a mid-afternoon nap the boys proceeded to inflict multiple pancake blocks upon Uncle Joe compelling him to confess to being guilty of serial plagiarism, frequent boorish behavior, and the inability to refrain from making absolutely ridiculous, asinine, and/or ludicrous remarks.

Feeling fair to midland about putting the President and Veep on the straight and narrow the boys in Crimson decided to make one last stop before departing and paid a visit to the White House Press Secretary and senior political hack, Robert Gibbs. In an effort to encourage the boy to reconsider his lying, misleading and Marxist/Socialist propagandizing ways they hauled his bony ass out behind the Rose Garden for a little tackling practice.

Mr. Gibbs hasn’t conducted a Press Conference since his practice session with the National Champions. Rumor has it he is experiencing a gracious plenty amount of difficulty speaking the truth and lying with his jaw wired so tightly shut.

Regardless if you believe our version or the main stream media elite’s account the Crimson Tide’s White House visit was probably the most important event held at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue since the “Hope, Change and Believe” crowd slithered into town 59 weeks ago. That being said, several sources have reported hearing the team enthusiastically singing something along the lines of following while departing the White House grounds:

· Daa da da, hey Mr. President

Daa da da, hey Uncle Joe

Daa da da, hey Political Hack Gibbs

We just beat the Hell out of you

Rammer jammer Yellow Hammer

Give um Hell Alabama

I am, “American by Birth and Southern by the Grace of God"

Ron W. Garikes