Thoughts of Obama from Bama

Week 78: Redneck Riviera

“Old men in tank tops, cruizing the gift shops
Checking out chakeetas down by the shore (hey baby wanna ride in my brand new car?)
They dream about weight loss, wish they were their own boss
Those three day vacations become such a bore
Wasted away again in Margaritaville…”
Jimmy Buffett, “Margaritaville”

A week or so ago or there abouts one of the Redneck Rivera’s most famous native sons, Jimmy Buffett, bellied up to the bar in a big way in support of his old stomping grounds. To promote tourism, inject some green backs in the local economy, and assure the rest of the beach seeking vacationing public the Emerald coast is open for business regardless of the BP oil spill/Obama Economic kill Mr. Buffett put on an intimate little free concert for thirty-five thousand plus of his closest friends.

Setting up stage smack dab in the middle of the Redneck Riviera at the end of the “T” in Gulf Shores right in front of a Gulf Coast shrine, The Pick Pony Pub, three generations of Parrot Heads reveled into the night with the Son of a Son of a Sailor hopeful the media exposure and large gathering of Buffett faithful would enhance the regions efforts to avoid ecological and financial disaster. Based on eye witness accounts and CMT ratings, who did a live primetime broadcast, the evening’s festivities were an unqualified success.

Despite Mr. Buffett’s unapologetic left wing liberalism, too much time residing in Key West and billions of brain cells killed along the way, the virtuoso of escapism music should be commended for his commitment of time, energy and resources to minimize the adverse impact of this unprecedented catastrophe in the Gulf of Mexico. A catastrophe where the likes of all the usual bleeding heart champions of the victim class suspects including Brad and Angelina; Rosie O’Donnell; George Clooney; Woody Harrelson; Leonardo Dicaprio; Sarah Jessica Parker; Babs Streisand; Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins; Janeane Gorafalo; and Bill Maher have been so conspicuously absent.

Our first couple and Vacationers-in-Chief Barack and Michelle Obama have made several PR trips to the Gulf but when all is said and done they also don’t really seem to give a happy by damn if the Gulf recovers or not. In fact, true to form and in adherence to their operational maxim they seem to be positioning themselves to take full political advantage of this ongoing ecological and financial crisis.

During their most recent photo opp at the Gulf the Obama’s said the following:

• Michelle – “People should not be afraid to vacation in the Gulf region. There are still many beaches free of contamination from oil.” Our First Lady of Fashion also made a bold statement adorning a white summer dress, the exact same shade of white as the sand on the Gulf coast beaches, generously covered with black splotches identical to the tar balls washing ashore. Classy.

Reckon we shouldn’t expect much more from a Yankee. Bless her heart, they just can’t help their tacky nature. These are the same folks after all that proudly wear tank tops; butt ugly Bermuda shorts; dress knee socks; sandals and consider this look stylish beach ware.

• Barack – “The Gulf is open for business. The beaches and water are clear and seafood is plentiful.” Off the record the President was also overheard saying “It don’t make no never mind to me if any no count white trash yahoos come down here to vacation or not. I’ve haven’t seen so many ignorant rednecks gathered all in one place since attending Senator Grand Dragon Byrd’s funeral a couple of weeks ago.”

At their hypocritical best even while encouraging the public to come on down and vacation at the Gulf the first family’s bags were packed and Air force One was all gassed up for a long weekend getaway at one of the most exclusive holiday destinations in North America, Mt. Desert Island, Maine. It’s also been reported the first family will be heading back to another playground of the rich and famous, Martha’s Vineyard, for a longer summer holiday sometime in August.

A First Family vacation at the Gulf shinning an international media spotlight on the region that would hopefully encourage tourism and minimize the adverse economic impact brought on by the oil spill is a serious political issue for the White House. That being said, the Obamas have plenty of reasons for passing on a Gulf vacation.

Following are few examples:

1. Barack and Michelle Obama, Ivey League Harvard Law grads, liberal socialist progressives, pointy headed no clue academic elitist would rather take a good beating than be seen vacationing at the Redneck Riviera. Besides, the place is crawling with confederate flag waving; domestic beer drinking; no count; white trash; Parrot Heads that cling to their guns, Bibles and Hank Williams, Jr. CD’s during these times of economic hardship.

2. All five Gulf Coast states have Republican Governors with the exception of Charlie Crist of Florida who doesn’t seem to know which way his door is swinging these days. Besides, the place is crawling with confederate flag waving; domestic beer drinking; no count; white trash; Parrot Heads that cling to their guns, Bibles and Hank Williams, Jr. CD’s during these times of economic hardship.

3. Both Karl Rove and Sean Hannity own beach front property on the Gulf. Vacationing in the same proximity with these two conservative thought leaders ain’t exactly the Obama’s idea of a fun day at the beach. Besides, the place is crawling with confederate flag waving; domestic beer drinking; no count; white trash; Parrot Heads that cling to their guns, Bibles and Hank Williams, Jr. CD’s during these times of economic hardship

4. With the exception of Florida the Gulf Coast states are a deeper shade of red than any other states in the Country. The last time the good folk from Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana and Texas voted for a Democrat presidential candidate was right after Watergate back in the 1970’s and future prospects ain’t exactly looking too promising neither. Besides, the place is crawling with confederate flag waving; domestic beer drinking; no count; white trash; Parrot Heads that cling to their guns, Bibles and Hank Williams, Jr. CD’s during these times of economic hardship.

Several weeks ago our Orator of Empty Rhetoric-in-Chief made the wild claim that the Gulf oil spill was the first issue occupying his mind in the morning and his last thought before drifting off into a utopian / Marxist / Socialist dream world at night. Putting aside the fact the President made the same claim about our dismal unemployment status and the “Overseas Contingency Operation” in Afghanistan slap ole granny nekked and Katie bar the door the great forked tongue one might actually be telling the truth for a change.

Unfortunately, even though the disaster in the Gulf has the leader of the free worlds full and undivided attention doesn’t exactly mean we are walking in high cotton down here. Especially when his first thoughts upon awakening and last before his pointy head hits the pillow include:

1. The hell with all those yahoo crackers who refuse to worship at the Altar of Obama.

2. Ignorant rednecks just don’t know what’s in their own best interest and I’m just gonna have tell um what for.

3. Don’t want to vote for me or support my Socialist agenda – fine – don’t come running to me begging for help with your little oil spill.

4. If I stall and continue to screw up all cleanup efforts including not allowing enough oil skimmers or accepting help from other countries we can put hundreds of thousands of you poor white trash bumpkins out of business and totally dependent on me/Uncle Sammy for years to come.

5. If we get a little lucky with the weather this could truly develop into an ecological/environmental disaster of Koranical, I mean Biblical, proportions. A devastated Gulf coast is a small price to pay, and appropriate payback for all the GOP yahoos living down there, to permanently extend our illegal moratorium on deep water drilling and advance my radical green agenda.

With plunging poll numbers and midterm elections looking more and more like a Democratic train wreck the First Couple will most likely hold their elitist noses and grace us with their presence for a short Gulf Coast vacation sometime next month. This Presidential visit will pale in comparison to the Buffett concert for raising awareness, promoting tourism and sending a we are open for business message.

After all, who really cares about one more tacky Yankee wearing a goofy hat; big ole floppy ears; tank top; butt ugly Bermuda shorts; knee high dress socks; and sandals vacationing at the Gulf.

I am, “American by Birth and Southern by the Grace of God”

Ron W. Garikes